What does it mean to be a dominant in a BDSM relationship and is that something right for you? Explore the concept of being a dominant and finding your dominant with sexpert Tawney.
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Hi everybody, it’s Tawney Seren here with Naughty Betty's, and today we're going to talk about finding your dominant style in BDSM.
So if you haven't seen the video about submissive styles, I've included a link down below, so certainly take a peek. But there's one thing we need to know: there isn't a one-way road in BDSM; there's not that one path you can take, and where you don't have the creativity to choose what style you want to adopt, but if you know or have a general idea that your style is dominant, know that again, that's not one little box that you have to put yourself in. There's tons of different styles and ways to assert your dominance, depending on your personality and what you like and what arouses you.
So for instance, first we have the disciplinarian. If you enjoy the idea of dishing out, you know, sort of that … those consequences for those who do not obey your tasks or the things that you might give somebody, this could be a good role for you. This does not necessarily mean that you are loud or domineering or that's your, you know, screaming at somebody or fighting with somebody. It doesn't mean disagreement: it simply means that oftentimes, in a very common assertive way, you are going to be giving someone tasks, and if they are not fulfilled, they will be punished by you.
This could also lead to that kind of a growth of anticipation, that excitement over waiting for that consequence, whether you're dealing it out or receiving it. So you might pair very well with somebody who enjoys to be punished and poked, you know, whether that's a brat, or whether that is somebody who's kind of just a normal, you know, submissive type in general. That can be incredibly appealing.
So on the other end of the spectrum you have ownership, master, the idea that you are, that the other person is property. Now keep in mind that that role is very intense and can oftentimes take over everyday activities, and is very very well matched with a slave: somebody who would like you to take over some daily activities for them, tell them what to do, you know, not just in the bedroom but in life in general. It's a lifestyle thing.
This involves an incredible amount of discussion. It involves an incredible amount of communication around what you expect from each other, and a lot of hard work. It's not something you can just apply; there's so much trust that goes with being a master in a slave/master dynamic that goes outside of the bedroom. So if you're somebody who would like to be that master, that would like that control, it could be a really awesome role for you.
But oftentimes people come into BDSM and they think that's the only role a dom can play, and so when they get with a submissive who, when, you know, that sexy time is over, or when they're ready to not necessarily feel in character, ifthey are someone who kind of uses it as a way to get into character but isn't that way all the time, then it can be pretty rocky. So make sure that you have communication with all these roles, and you kind of understand what you like, so that you can better kind of communicate that with your partner.
So next you have a nurturing dom. This is somebody who is wanting to take care of their submissive. Now, they're still telling them what to do, and what they prefer, and what they would like to see from them, but it's got that aspect of to help them get better. So a nurturer might do everything from a daddy/little sort of engagement, where you're talking, you’re feeding, you're caring, you're loving, you're dressing even, and you're kind of, you're in control, but you're doing it to nurture.
Or it could be something along the lines of self-love and growth, where you're telling somebody you have to work out every day. Not because you are humiliating them or putting them down, but because you know that's both in the general goals of both parties. Or you have to do your homework for that, you know, class you're taking right now, or you have to meditate each day, you know, you have to do these tours. Whatever the case it is for that self-growth: not for slavery, not for your own sexual needs, but for the growth ends in that care of your submissive.
So a nurturer can be a really fun position. A lot of people don't believe that it is considered a dominant role, because you are not actively dominating somebody, but sometimes just having the authority to engage in someone's schedule for their well-being: it's just enough of a power play in a very gentle and easy way, that it really does benefit both parties.
So of course you have a sadist. I also included a video on sadism and how to do it safely in the bedroom, so if you think you fall into this category, please check out that video and learn more about it. It's right down below. But this is where you enjoy inflicting pain, and oftentimes there's no real power exchange that needs to happen in this. You could just find pleasure in spanking, things of that nature, and you don't really care about the interaction or that someone's addressing you a certain way. It's about inflicting that pain, and this can be primarily sexual.
So whether or not you're wanting to keep your dominance in the bedroom or allow it to flood over into your everyday, life that is about what you and your submissive or submissives have discussed, agreed upon, and consented to. So keep it safe, keep it sane, keep it consensual. Have that communication.
And I hope this has helped enlighten some of the amazing dominant types and styles that you could potentially adopt. There are tons more, including the ones you can create for yourself in a mixture of all of these, or the ones that you enjoy. It's all about finding what makes you comfortable, and communicating that with your partner.
Thank you all so much! I look forward to chatting more about BDSM with you soon.