Join sexpert Tawney as she explains how to practice sadism in a safe, sane, and consensual way that is pleasurable for both partners in the BDSM relationship.
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Hey everybody, it's Tawney Seren with Betty’s, and today we're gonna talk about sadism in BDSM, and how to keep it safe.
So sadistic acts are acts that you do where a pleasure is derived from either kind of mentally causing pain, or physically causing pain to your partner. Now keep in mind that could be something that a lot of people hear and they think that is bad, that's abuse, there's no possible way that that can be safe, there's no possible way that can be consensual.
But it's important to understand that other people's needs, their fetishes, their interests can differ from yours, and in a lot of situations where you might have someone who's a masochist, it could be a really fantastic way to kind of engage in that fetish with your partner. So what is a masochist? A masochist is somebody who gets pleasure out of having that pain inflicted upon them, whether it is mental or physical.
So first I'm gonna tell you the unsafe ways to do this. what is not considered take, what are red flags, so that you can kind of get an idea of what's okay before we dive into those safe ways that you can bring that into your BDSM relationship.
So first of all, ignoring a safe word. Okay, keep it safe, keep it sane, keep it consensual. That means that no matter what, no matter what pleasure you might pull from harming somebody, you're able to stop. They can say something to make it stop. Or if you're masochist and you want that pain inflicted, you have to be able to have the control to say stop, because when you're messing with pain, and you're messing with that kind of dangerous aspect, ignoring that cue to stop is a huge red flag.
So if you are engaging with somebody who does not see any wrong in causing pain, and wishes to only harm you, that is a huge red flag when you have that sadistic behavior in sex, and that's something that you enjoy, that sadism. It does not mean that you do not care for your partner. It does not mean that you don't care if they're alive or dead, or to put them in any sort of pain to bring you pleasure.
People who have that sadistic quality, they can oftentimes feel guilt, feel pain. They don't necessarily want to hurt you. Oftentimes we are not able to choose what really turns us on, so it's important that you have that conversation and you understand when enough is enough and when to stop things.
So consent, having conversation, very very important. Ignoring a safe word is completely off the table. Make sure that you also have a nonverbal safe word in case you're in something like choking or bondage, in a position where you are not able to speak and call out that it's time to stop. So this is very very important.
Somebody who wants to bring you dangerously close to death, so that's where it kind of comes in with keep it sane. I keep it within the realms of that legality, like you're not putting somebody in danger of death. That is not and should not be a goal in any sort of sexual act. It is incredibly dangerous. That is a very very hard line there, and it's easy to kind of pass over it and seriously hurt or even kill your partner, so definitely steer away from that.
Now let's talk about some of the different forms of sadistic play and kind of how you can bring that in in a safe way. So first of all, there's a huge range: whether it is verbal humiliation, whether it is shock play, whether it's spanking, whether it's rope tying, and you know slavery. You know, like putting yourself in these bondage sort of situations for any one of these other acts. Or it can also be knife play. There's a lot of different ways that you can inflict emotional and physical pain on your partner if they so desire it and you do as well.
It's important with every single one of these to start at the very beginning. If you're wanting to start spanking and you're finding out that your partner enjoys the sensation, that pain, that smack of a spank, and you really enjoy delivering that, then get yourself a really nice beginner paddle. Do not go for the spiked cat-o'-nine-tails and just start going crazy. You need to make sure that you’re gauging the pain reaction and when that needs to be cut off, because we all have a pain threshold. It's important to not push past that, but if we don't know where it is it's really easy to get shocked by something.
So it's really important to kind of move along, move up. It's a lot like gauging. If you're doing large toys, you know, you want to take those baby steps. You're not just gonna be able to throw a huge plug up there and call it good, and not experience, you know, kind of that traumatic pain. So take it easy with that, with those spankers, with bondage. Also make sure that you do the same, take those baby steps. Perhaps start with like handcuffs that are easy to break out of. Silicone handcuffs are ones that I highly recommend for beginners looking to get into bondage.
If you're looking to kind of cut off sensations, make sure that you know like what you're using is something that can easily be taken off, if it's a blindfold, that you have that safe word in place. If you're using things like wax, like that sensation play, there are plenty of waxes where it does pour colder or warm before you're getting up too hot, in that searing pain, because there's nothing like thinking you might want to try something and then experiencing, you know, realizing you really really don't like that pain.
And then also electro play. There are ways to learn, and I will also go over this in a future video next month: how to apply the right amount of pressure, and ways that you can shock your partner, from tickling all the way to painful, depending on where you're at and what you enjoy. What's really important is if you're someone who really enjoys inflicting that pain, make sure that you evaluate with yourself how far you want to push that, so that you know where you can put yourself.
If you're considered, I mean if you're an unsafe sort of entity in that, or if it's something that you know you have a threshold and if it's all based around what your partner wants, that's fantastic, but also make sure that you yourself have a limit, because oftentimes when others are in a subspace or space where they have been pushed beyond the range of pleasure and are almost in this blissfully unaware state of mind where they perhaps cannot gauge their own pain tolerances easily, it's important that you also know when to stop.
When you are taking care of your partner and they're taking care of you, like that's a very very important thing, and oftentimes in BDSM the one who is inflicting the pain is the dominant, so it is a little bit harder sometimes in the mind of a submissive to be able to speak up and stop things, especially if they know they are giving you pleasure. So it's important that you again acknowledge and know that threshold yourself as well as trust your submissive to hopefully be able to tell you when enough is enough.
And again that comes into play if they can't, so you are really taking a lot into your own hands. Take it easy, step by step. If you are somebody who's in a relationship with someone and you don't know if this is something they like, if this is something that's perhaps a secret or something you don't know how to interact with, I recommend starting with things like spankers and him in like the handcuffs.
These are really easy ways to bring sensation into the bedroom in ways that are not extreme, like bringing out something sharp for any sort of, you know, blood play is a thing. Or, you know, bringing out pinwheels, or bringing out things that can cause like a very unique sensation of pain. It's important to bring in something that's a little bit more universally accepted.
These are things that people joke about fairly regularly and are a bit more mainstream than some of the other toys and things you can bring in, like electro play or the pinwheel or you know cat-o’-nine-tails. Bring in a little paddle. Bring in like a cool, you know, massage oil candle that, you know, can add some of that pain, and then you can kind of move up from there and have the conversation with your partner about what felt great for them,and what you can continue to do in the future.
It’s important in order to bring in this unique style of play that you have full consent, and that you have full control over stopping yourself. Only then can it be fully safe.
So I wish you the best in your adventure! Check the links down below for a bunch of toys that I think would be fantastic to bring into your beautiful beautiful play, and certainly subscribe. Click that Follow.
Friends, I will be back with much more education about BDSM and the fun toys that you can bring into the bedroom with you. You all, again I'm Tawney Seren, and I look forward to chatting with you very soon.